Random Harry Potter Humor
by I'm Wearing Them Ironically
Summary: Conversations between the characters. Co-authored with Taylor Jackson.
1. Chapter 1

Ron: Couldn't you totally see Draco talking like this- 'I is yur wurst nitemare! rawr!

Draco: Shut your cakehole, Weasley.

Ron: Maybe I don't wanna shut my cakehole. I happen to really enjoy cake! Ever thought of it that way? Huh? HUH?

Draco: This is a useless conversation. Goodbye, freak.

Ron: No! Wait! Wait, Draco! I have something to show you!

Draco: Errrrr... What! What could _you _possibly have to show _me_!

Ron: My fist!

Draco: Ron, you realize you're all the way across the room. That's like... Five feet away. Do you honestly think I can see your fist from all the way over here?

Ron: Oh really? Dracy can't see my fist? Well, guess I'll just have to put it closer to his face, huh? *punches Draco in the eye*

Draco: Bloody hell, Ron! What was that for! That really hurt, Ronny!

Ron: Ronny? _Ronny!_ Only my mum can call me _Ronny_! Well, and Hermione... But that's aside from the point!

Draco: Well, what _is _point_, _then?

Ron: This! *punches Draco in the same spot as before*

Draco: Whatever! I'm leaving! Goodbye forever, Ron!

Ron: NOOOOOO! Draco! Draco noooo! Don't go into the light!

Draco: But it's sooo pretty!

Ron: Nooooo! Nooo best friend! Nooo!

George: Since when has Draco been your best friend, Ron?

Ron: Since forever, okay!

George: I just assumed that since he and Harry were like nemesises, and all that-

Ron: No! My BEST friend just died and you're off _assuming _useless things! You don't even care, George!

Ginny: Ron, are you crying?

Ron: MAYBE! MAYBE OK?

Ginny: Alright, alright

Seamus: So George-

Ron: No, Seamus! Just... Just go away! Go die for all I care!

Seamus: Ron, that... That really hur-

Tom Riddle: RAAAAAAWRRR! TAKE THAT BIATCHES!

Hermione: Tom, where'd Seamus go?

Tom Riddle: Seamus is in the sky.

Neville: Tom, sit with me. Tell me your tale.

Tom Riddle: Well, as I'm sure you all know, I once attended Hogwarts, just like all of you. I soon became corrupted and as some would say, now I'm not naming any names, SLUGHORN!, and bothersome. At some point in time I decided I would divide my soul into seven horcruxes! Brilliant, right! So anyways, there ended up being eight! I was quite upset, as you could probably imagine. You see, this eighth division of my soul was not an object, but a human being! Well, a wizard. It's name, yes, its, was Harry Potter. Which, reminds me, HARRY POTTER MUST DIE! Anyways, Dr. Longbottom, when I was older, I became a noseless being by the name of Voldemort! It was quite fun, really. Well, except for becoming noseless, but apparently loosing a part of your body was a necessary beginning to becoming scary.

Neville: Um, Tom, I apologize, but I'm afraid we're out of time. Why don't you come back tomorrow and we can continue, alright?

Tom Riddle: Alright...


	2. Chapter 2

Harry: Well Ronald I can see that havin someone on the opposing side makes conversation. Which reminds me, why was Ginny there!

Ginny: Shut up Harry! So what I saw my brother today! He'll always be better than you! You brat !

Harry: So that where my firebolt went! I can't believe you! Uh hole on just a second- ( calls offstage- okay albus I'll let you out of timeout) - okay. Took care if that

Ginny: Harry! Don't falsely accuse your son!

Harry: Humph. Fine.

Hermione: Ronald! Get home now! Oh hello Harry and Ginny. You look... Happy? Wanna have some tea later?

Harry and Ginny: NO HERMIONE! NOT NOW!

-Hermione: *looks hurt* Let's go Ron. I thought Harry was a friend but obviously not...- wow! Ron did Neville set up a talk show again! Did you give him permission! Ron!

Ron: Well I'm sorry that he didn't ask and just brought voldy in here! He wanted to get a career going and doesn't care if it ruins my signature! Oh that reminds me, Harry, watch out for Voldemort. He wants to kill you.

Harry: Ron I thought you were my friend! You let voldy in here knowing I'd be back soon! Ugh.

Voldy: No one seems to know or care that I, voldy, am in this room and listening to this conversation! Harry potter! Come to die!

Harry: Ahhhhhh! Ginny my wand! Give it!

Ginny: No Harry. Not now. Your in trouble!

Harry: So you make me face death! Ginny your the worst wife!


	3. Chapter 3

Draco: Ron. Ron. Rooooonnnnn. Hey, Ron, guess what? I hate you. Ron.

Ron: Draco, shut up, I need to speak to Neville. You know, scold him for starting another talk show behind my back. Excuse me for a moment.

Neville: You wanted to speak with me, Ron?

Ron: Ah, yes, Neville, ol' buddy, ol' pal. I believe there is something we need to discuss.

Neville: Yes?

Ron: How could you? I trusted you, mate. And for what? What do I get in return? You going behind my back and starting another talk show! I-I just-I just can't believe you would do this to me! Ugh!

Neville: Draco! Draco, Ron's acting like a teenage girl again!

Draco: Well, what can _I _do? _I'm_ dead.

Fred: Woah! Me, too, mate! Wanna hang out some time?

Draco: Totally! Wanna go get some tea?

Fred: Never mind. Forget I said anything...

Seamus: I'm dead! I'll get tea with you, Draco!

Draco: Never mind. Forget I said anything...

Voldemort: Is this some sort of... Club for the dead? Because if so, I am _tots _joining.

Tom Riddle: Well, you do that, sir. I'll just be going on Neville's talk show now, cuz I'm cool like that. And apparently I'm his bffetiohpsaayimyapcg.

Voldemort: Excuse me? But last time I checked, _we _were _not_ bffetiohpsaayimyapcg's with _Neville Longbottom._

Tom Riddle: Well, mister Voldy, last time I checked, you were dead and I wasn't. So I'll be bffetiohpsaayimyapcg's with whoever I want!

Harry: I'm sorry, but what exactly _is _a "bffetiohpsaayimyapcg"?

Neville: "best friend forever even though I'm on Harry Potter's side I mean you're a pretty cool guy".

Harry: Oh.

Tom Riddle: Yea that's right! Be envious, Potter! Bet you wish you were my bfftsgfcworsaetwheowcwcbsgfimcom!

Harry: W-what?

Tom Riddle: "best friend forever to share gold fish crackers with on rainy Saturday afternoons even though we hate each other we could be such good friends I mean come on!"

Seamus: Okay, then...

Ron: Will everyone please just shut their freakin' cake holes so I can finish scolding Neville about secretly starting yet another talk show without my permission!

Everyone else: Yeah, we don't even like Neville. Please, carry on.

Tom Riddle: I like him!

Voldemort: Shut up, more humane part of self.

Tom Riddle: No, less humane part of self!

Ron: SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Hermione: Wow, Ron. I didn't know you could be so... In charge... It's like I'm seeing you in a whole new light...

Ron: x blushes x Yeahm well...

Neville: Come one, Ron. If you're gonna scold me, then please just get it over with!

Ron: God, fine. So. NEVILLE! WHAT THE FRICK IS WRONG WITH YOU! GOING BEHIND MY BACK JUST TO HAVE A SPECIAL EPISODE OF YOUR USELESS TALK SHOW FEATURING HARRY POTTER AND TOM RIDDLE, NEW BFFTSGFCWOSAETWHEOWCBSGFOMCO'S! NO. JUST NO. GO TO YOUR ROOM, MISTER. YOU'RE GROUNDED. NO MORE HOSTING LATE NIGTH TALK SHOWS, SNEAKING OUT TO WATCH PERCY SLEEPING (YES I KNOW ABOUT THAT, AND FYI- I TOLD HIM! STRANGEST THING, HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE...), SECRETLY SKETCHING HARRY (YOU HAVE NO SECRETS FROM ME!), READING TWILIGHT, STEALING MONEY TO BUY POSTERS OF EDWARD CULLEN (WAIT... SO YOU'RE BUYING POSTERS WITH CEDRIC ON THEM? HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT ONE BEFORE...), OR WATCHING DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIES! COMPLAIN ALL YOU WANT, BUT THATS JUST HOW ITS GONNA BE!

Neville: BUT... BUT...

Ron: Oh btw, I'm confiscating all your Edward Cullen/Cedric Diggory posters.

Neville: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY EDDIE/CEDDIE! YOU SUCK, RON WEASLEY!

Ron: A thank ya. A thank ya very much.

Ginny: Don't you think that's just a little harsh? I mean, he's practically in love with that boy.

Ron: All the more reason!

Tom Riddle: Hey, anybody know where my bfftsgfcworsaetwheowcbsgfimco went?

Voldemort: I may have found him. Hehehehehehehehhehehe

Tom Riddle: Don't you dare do what I think you're going to do.

Voldemort: Avada Kadavra!

Tom Riddle: Noooooo! Not my bfftsgfcworsaetwheowcbsgfimco!

Harry: Guys, what are you talking about? I'm right here.

Voldemort: Wait, then who was that I just killed?

Ron: Well, looks like no more late night talk shows or a weirdo watching my big brother sleep.

Luna: Neville! Noooo! Not my bfetiskssiaabahwh!

Ron: What?

Luna: "boy friend even though it seems kinda strange since I am awesome and beautiful and he's... well... Him..." Duh.

Percy: But now no one will watch me in my sleep. No one to make me feel safe!

George: You know, Fred watches you sometimes.

Percy: That's not the same, George. He's my dead brother. And besides, he watches me like once every three months. He normally just watches you.

-awkward silence-

Cedric: Wait, Neville had posters of me?


	4. Chapter 4

Harry: Well since Neville is... Gone... Maybe I'll make this talk show...

Ginny: No Harry! Did you think of the kids! They need us! You already have a job as... Wait what I it again

Harry: No no this is perfect. I don't have a job. I'm just living off my parents fortune. But this will help with the money and the kids. It'll help them with their... Um I don't know.

Ginny: We're having another fight. We should go to counseling.

Harry: Heck no! That's hermiones job! I cannot go there

Ginny: She could teach you something- er maybe

Hermione: Excuse me!? I'm a counselor yes, but I'm not that bad!

Harry: Then why do people come out of your shop crying!

Ron: They do have a point-

Hermione: Shut up Ron! I'm doing just fine! So much for your support

Harry: How can you be a counselor if you have problems yourself. My kids would be better!

Ginny: You hardly know your kids names! What's the girls name?

Harry: Er um, Ginny?

Ron and Hermione: It's Lilly!


	5. Chapter 5

Ron: Hermione isn't a very good counselor, if you ask me...

Hermione: Ron, how can you say that!

Ron: Well, pretty easily, really...

Hermione: Ugh! That's not what I meant!

Tom Riddle: Anybody know where my bfftsgfcworsaetwheowcbsgfimco is?

Neville: I do, my dear bffetiohpsimyapcg.

Tom Riddle: No, Neville. I am not your bffetiohpsimyapcg anymore.

Neville: Wha-Why?

Tom Riddle: You died.

Neville: Would you still be bfftsgfcworsaetwheowcbsgfimco's with Harry if he died?

Tom Riddle: Well... That's different...

Voldemort: Hi, everyone!

Ginny: Shut up.

Harry: Go away.

Ron: This is a club for the living. Hermione: No one likes you.

Ginny: He doesn't even go here!

Voldemort: Wow, guys... That-That really hurt... I didn't know you felt that way about me... I guess I'll just go cry myself to sleep... Again...

Opal Koboi: Don't I know how that feels...

Artemis Fowl: Koboi! Ah! Die, beast!

Opal Koboi: See what I mean?

Artemis Fowl: Sorry, bad dream.

Opal Koboi: Oh, really? So... You don't really think I'm a beast who should just go die?

Artemis Fowl: No, no, no. Not at all. Holly Short: Wait, I thought you were on our side, Arty! I thought you hated her, too!

Artemis Fowl: Nope. Not really. I think her genius is quite... Intriguing... Opal Koboi: Awww thanks...

Ron: Go away! This is not a conversation for some rich little Irish boy and his fairy girlfriends!

Minerva Paradizo: Girlfriends? I thought we had something special, Artemis! Artemis: Um... Uh... Um... Opal: Die, little French girl! x*shoots Minerva to death*

Artemis: Gods, finally.

Leo Valdez: Is this some sort of... International chat room?

Every Harry Potter character: No! Ron: It's some dead kid's late night talk show.

Percy Jackson: Leo, come on. Let's go before they starting pouncing. It's happened... Have you ever witnessed a Nargol attack? Freaky!

Luna: You've seen them, too! Everyone thinks I'm crazy and just made up Nargols... But no...

Percy Weasley: Wait someone actually has the same name as me!

Harry: we are the anything to do new York stay calm and I love you.

Tom Riddle: It's working!

Percy: I will. I love you, too.

Ginny: Wait, which Percy just said that?

Percy: He did!

Ginny: J-Jackson? Percy: No.

Ginny: So Weasley, then.

Percy: No.

Ginny: This is a dark day for humanity.

Harry: I take a lot of drugs as you may have noticed.

Tom Riddle: umm...

Harry: but did your cat know that children are not required?

Tom Riddle: I shall let him know.

Ginny: I can sense the need for screenshots...

Voldemort: AND I SHALL MAKE THEM YOUTUBE VIDEOS!

Ron: What has my life become, even.

Harry: we are leadership, not fighter aircrafts.

Tom Riddle: I'll keep that in mind.

Harry: certain bags do not wish to be leaders!

Tom Riddle: I would imagine so, yes.

James Potter: What have you done to my father?

Tom Riddle: Um dropped him on his head a few times?

James: As long as there's a reasonable explanation for all of this

Tom Riddle: certainly!

Voldemort: I've changed my mind about fulfilling my destiny and killing Harry. This is way too amusing.

Tom Riddle: Putting enchantments on Harry really brings us together, doesn't it?

Voldemort: THIS SHALL GO ON YOUTUBE

Tom Riddle: Harry? Any input?

Harry: my nose hair ate the kingdom.

Tom Riddle: brilliant

Harry: i have a problem with vegetables swimming

Tom Riddle:oh yeah. i hate that.

Harry**: **Indeed! Bright lights than ever before and after killing. Boiling point 2% every time I see your face.

Tom Riddle: mmm.

Harry: My anger was at the bottom of the IRA and other cats.

Ginny :Was it now?

Tom Riddle: D: NO YOU JUST INTERRUPTED MY COMMENTARY

Ginny: yolo

Tom Riddle: ?!

Ginny: you of all people don't understand the text talk

Harry: Goose removal wants dreadlocks.

Harry:All critics say I am dwarf, with a view to me. Homunculus.

Tom Riddle: no more i cant breathe

Harry: what is bonkadonk

Tom Riddle:my guess is as good as yours, mate.

Ginny: aww.

Hermione: friendly bromantic banter is the meaning of life.

Ron: Why do I still hang out around you all. Really. There's gotta be some mental risks of being around the insane for too long.

Voldemort: :)

Snape:

Ron: YES, THANK YOU! THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY POINT FOR ME!

Ginny: ah the magic of Hogwarts

-silence-

Cedric: Seriously, does anyone else think its really weird that Neville had posters of me?


	6. Chapter 6

Harry: I'm sorry you think I take drugs. Maybe a person is simply weird or stupid.

Ginny: what is he saying have you seen his "secret closet"

Harry: when did snaps join? Why is he wordless. This is a first man.

Snape: er no


	7. Chapter 7

Ron: Oh, I don't think you take a lot of drugs, mate. And "secret closet"? Sounds fun!

Harry: I do.

Ron: No, Harry, these thoughts are poisoning poor Voldy's mind.

Voldemort: It's true. I now feel you take drugs, as well.

Ron: You see? Look at what you have done to this poor child!

Tom Riddle: Ronald, you realize Harry only thinks he's on drugs because of a side effect of a curse I put on him.

~silence~

Snape: What's that mysterious ticking noise? Hmm... Its... Kind of catchy...

Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Snape: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.

Dumble: Dumbledore!

Ron: Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Hermione: Hermione. Hermione. Hermione.

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Harry: Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Harry, Harry Potter.

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Snape: Snape!

Harry: Harry!

Snape: Snape!

Harry: Harry!

Snape: Snape!

Harry: Harry!

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Hermione: Heeerrrmiioonnee!

Ron: Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron Weasley!

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Hermione: Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

Harry: Harry Potter. Harry Potter. Harry Potter.

Dumbledore: Dumbledore!

All: Singin' our song, all day long at Hooooooggwaarts!

~pause~

Ron: Guys, I found the source of the ticking! It's a pipe bomb!

All: YAAAYY!

~explosion!~

~pause~

Voldemort: Yess... Hehehehehehehe... Hmm. Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Voldy, Voldy , Voldy, Voldemort!

~silence (again)~

Cedric: I'm honestly highly bothered by the fact that Neville had posters of me.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry: so...

Voldy: you aren't dead!?

Ron: (scratches head) why'd we cheer about a pipe bomb

Harry: idk. Cedric, aren't you creeped out about voldys song?

Harry: wai wait. I don't do drugs and I'm not scaring a child. I'm scaring a monster. Bye now. (Leaves)

Voldy: lets talk about Harry now


	9. Chapter 9

Ron: Hi everyone! Ron! is here.

Hermione: Why the exclamation point? You're not THAT exciting, Ron.

Ron: Well...

Hermione: Well, Ronald, I-

Dumbledore: What are you kids arguing about this time?

Neville: Professor, w- why are you not wearing any robes?

Dumbledore: Why _are_ you wearing robes?

Neville: Good question...

Harry: This is weird, right?

Luna: Even for me.

George: And me.

Colin Creevey: Hello.

Harry: Go away.

Colin: Why?!

Harry: Because. I said so.

Colin: Oh, well when you put it that way.

Harry: Bye!

Cedric: Hello. I thought I would join the actual conversation for once instead of just saying one thing at the end when everyone's already gone.

Ron: Ok.

Cedric: So... Whats it like to be in the regular conversation?

Ginny: Its like talking. To people. Other than yourself.

Cedric: Cool!

Hermione: We should invite other people who have never spoken here to join us.

Volemort: Why on Earth would we do that? What has gotten into that tiny little brain of yours, girl?

Hermione: That's insulting. I have an exceptionally large brain.

Percy: Not as large as mine. _I _was top of my class. _I _was a Prefect. _I _was Head Boy. And not to mention, _I _work at the Ministry.

Hermione: Well, Mr. Perferct Prefect Percy, I-

Voldemort: Yap, yap, yap. If you're gonna go be psychotic and invite random other people, then please just get it over with.

Hermione: Fine.

~15 minutes later~

Hermione: Done! Anyone who I just invited, please say something.

Lee Jordon: Hello.

Angelina Johnson: 'Sup.

Penelope Clearwater: Why is this necessary?

Frodo Baggins: I'm a hobbit! Yay!

Oliver Wood: Hi Percy!

Padma Patil: Anyone seen my sister?

Justin Finch-Fletchley (that cool Hufflepuff): You know some people say I look just like Tom Riddle.

Tom Riddle: It's true. You do.

Justin: Right?

Percy: Hello, Oliver.

Oliver: How's the Ministry these days?

Percy: Meh. Pretty boring, honestly.

Oliver: Oh alright.

Percy: How's Puddlemere?

Oliver: Eh, just regular Quidditch, really. Nothing happening.

Percy: Hey, you wanna meet up some time? Haven't seen you since Hogwarts.

Oliver: Is that even a question?

Percy: Well, I suppose not. We were best mates, after all.

Oliver: Excuse me? Were? Last time I checked, we still were.

Percy: I know, I know. I just said that since its been a while.

Oliver: Alright...

Ron: Sorry to break up this touching reunion, but this is really boring me.

Percy: Well...

Oliver: Touché.

Tom Riddle: HI!

Justin: Hello, there sir.

Ginny: They really do look the exact same, you know.

Justin: And we are looking fine today, aren't we?

Tom Riddle: Yes, yes we are.

Neville: So does this make you guys tfdtashuthitjtjtc?

Tom Riddle: Yes. It does.

Justin: Although, I believe what it really should be is ehtfdtashuthitjtjtc.

Tom Riddle: Right you are, my fair twin.

Lee: I'm sorry, but what?

Tom Riddle: Exceptionally handsome twins from different times and school houses united through Hermione's invitation to Justin to join this conversation.

Angelina: Kay, then.

Padma: Seriously, where's Parvati?

George: No one knows, and honestly, no one cares.

Padma: Well...

~silence~

Cedric: Well, considering I _hardly _got to talk up there, I guess I'm just back to the shadows.


	10. Chapter 10

Hermione: I don't think we can have a conversation as long as that one. Plus rons too lazy...

Ron: I'm sorry I couldn't get a butterbeer that once!

Harry: well we should wrap this up

Ginny: Cedric you better not end this one

Harry: c'mon Ginny he-

Ginny: shut up Harry!

Harry: yes my lovely wife

Ron: ah sarcasm

Harry (face sweating): that wasn't sarcasm (looks nervously at Ginny)

HERMIONE: lets end this.


	11. Chapter 11

Draco: How come I've been excluded so much lately?

Ron: Reasons...

~silence~

Neville: I've noticed a recurring request for Draco to join us again.

Ginny: Who ever requested that?

Ron: Ummm... Uhhh... I-I did. Multiple times.

Ginny: Why would you do this to us, Ron? You were my favorite brother! But no. Not anymore. Not after what you've done to us. Charlie, you're now my favorite brother.

Charlie: Nice! Now I'm three people's favorite brother!

George: Who likes _you?_

Charlie: Well, Ginny (obviously), Percy, and Bill.

Neville: Anyways, let me tell you all some things about Draco, here. Draco, say hello.

Draco: *says to Ron* Hello.

Neville: No, say hello to the audience.

Draco: Hello to the audience.

Neville: Don't you make a fool of me.

Neville: Now, Draco, why don't you tell everyone a little about yourself?

Draco: I'm rich and proud to be pure-blooded white! I mean wizard! Hehehehe.

Neville: What a wonderful person! Lets learn some more about him!

Neville: (sings) Draco likes hamsters.

Draco likes honey.

Draco likes toothpaste. ka-choo ka-choo ka-choo ka-choo

Draco likes money.

Draco likes facepaint.

Draco likes pliers.

Draco likes bowling.

Draco likes cartwheels.

Draco likes fire.

~whistles a light tune~

~silence~

Cedric: That was a wonderful song, Neville.


	12. Chapter 12

Harry: Hey it's me- the guy who hasn't replied in a while.

Ginny: You guys think those signatures are so slick

Ron: They are sis

Hermione: Yeah be a supportive wife. I'm glad Ron even writes anymore.

Ginny- I shoulda married Neville instead if getting into this family-

Luna: Try to marry him and I'll kill you!

Neville: Fight fight

Luna: Okay if you want us to fight we are so done

Hermione: Guys let me help you

Harry: Gosh no. You guys act like teens

Ginny: Look at yourself!

Neville: Well Luna, I can still marry Ginny

Harry: Oh no you can't!

Lilly: Daddy I-

Harry: Shut up!

Ginny: Stop it Harry-

James: Hey mum-

Ginny: gosh James your annoying!

Ron: I feel bad for your children

Hermione: Look at the way you treat yours Ron! Wonder why Hugo ne'er talks to us? Huh?

Ron: Maybe cuz you scare him...

Hermione: Oh no you-

Neville: Guys I'm supposed to be dead but I'm still alive. I think this is the reason. I'll help you figure this out

Cedric: I'm listening

Harry: Wow man your here?

Cedric: yea.

Harry: Well now that your here I must say I'm sorry about your death

Cedric- It's okay man *hugs*

Neville: So here's what I'm thinking...me and Ginny, Ron and Luna, and Harry and Hermione, and Cedric sorry man your a loner.

Cedric: It's k

Harry: NO

Hermione: NO!

Ron: Never!

Luna: Ahh!

Neville: Oh yea

Ginny: Oh no


	13. Chapter 13

Neville's a match maker now? Wow.

~Ron

Ron: I got it! Cedric, you could be with Myrtle!

Cedric: What! _Moaning _Myrtle?

Ron: Yup, and here she is now! Good luck mate!

Cedric: What! No! Ron, wait! Come back! Don't leave me!

Myrtle: Hello, there handsome.

Cedric: H-hi.

Myrtle: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

Cedric: Yes.

Myrtle: Well, I must say, Ceddie, you are looking exceptionally gorgeous today.

Cedric: The same goes to you?

Ginny: ... ... ... Why is this happening?

Cedric: Save me. Please.

Myrtle: Come here, Ced.

'

Cedric: (runs away) No!

Myrtle: ... ... ... Why does everyone run away from me?! Even the dead ones!

Neville: So Myrtle.. Might I suggest someone for you?

Myrtle: Ooh yes. Who?!

Neville: So I was thinking... Dra-

Draco: Don't even say it, dweeb. If you do, I will bring down the power of the gods on you.

Neville: Meh. You can do better.

Draco: Raise the fires of Hell?

Neville: No.

Draco: Avada Kadavra by the hand of 'Voldy?

Neville: Nah.

Draco: Throw things at you?

Neville: Noooo! No! My weakness!

Draco: Really?

Neville: No, not really.

~silence~

Voldemort: Haven't I already Avada Kadavra'd Neville Longbottom?

Neville: Maybe. Just maybe.


	14. Chapter 14

Harry: Sup, losahs. I'm Harry Potter and I'm cooler than all of you. Especially Ron.

Ron: That is so offensive, mate. I can't believe you would say that.

Hermione: I can. You are a sad excuse for a man .

Rose: And a father.

Hugo: I like you!

Ron: You're the only one I really like anymore, Hugo.

Hugo: Yay! I'm favoratized by my father!

~silence~

Harry: Ron, what are you doing?

Ron: Writing a letter to my parents.

Harry: I bet that's nice.

Ron: What's nice, Harry?

Harry: I bet its nice having parents to write letters to!

Ron: Harry, I-

Harry: No Ron. You don't know what that's like. Not having any parents to go to. I'm not surprised-what with your house just full of people.

Ron: I-

Harry: Goodbye, Ron.

~silence~

Harry: Where's Ron?

Hermione: Up there.

Harry: Dumbledore, Ron's gotten himself trapped in a vortex.

Dumbledore: Oh no. Not again.

Harry: Yes.

Dumbledore: Go, Harry. Go and get me the stick.

~one minute later~

Harry: Here, sir.

Dumbledore: Aah, its been a while since I had to use this ol' guy. (twirls stick around in hand)

Dumbledore: Alright. (sticks stick up into vortex and feels around until Ron falls out onto ground)

Hermione: Are you alright, Ron?

Ron: Yea, I feel great, Hermione. In fact, I feel like a whole new person now. Guys, I'm a man now. (stands up, wearing shades and leather jacket)

Hermione: Wow, Ron. I've never seen this side of you before.

Ron: Guys, let's have a beach party. In London.

~music~

(Dumbledore, Ron, and Hermione start dancing.)

Harry: What? What! No! Stop! Stop it now! You listen up, Ron. I rule this school. I'm top dog. I'm the coolest. And you, you are nothing. Because I-Am Harry Potter.

Ron: (looses shades and jacket) I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't mean to. I-

Harry: Come on, guys. Lets have a beach party. In London.

~same music~

(Hermione, Dumbledore, and Ron start going shoobie shoobie doo-wa repeadetly)

Harry: (sings) My name is Harry Potter and I am so awesome. I defeated Voldemort when I was a baby. I lost both my parents when I was a baby. (blah blah blah)

~finish song~

Harry: Thanks for that guys. You really are my best friends, you know that?

Hermione: We know, Harry.

(Hermione and Dumbledore hug Harry)

(Ron attempts to hug Harry)

Harry: No, Ron. You can hug me when you're less fat.

~silence~

Harry: I'm Harry Potter. School is for losers. I'm totally awesome. Yes I a-

Snape: Mr. Potter. You have been absent from Potions Class for over three weeks, and I have no choice but to- (starts sounding like mhmhmhmhmhmsnmshdrklgnd paoewfj sefimocfbdgxh -randomness in other words) Harry Potter nmnnhnhmhnh nmnhnhmnhmnh Harry Potter nmnmhnmhnhm mhnhm mhnmhnmhn Harry Potter-

(Hary Punches Snape and pulls out a saxophone and starts playing it, when the words "Harry Potter is awesome" show up beside him.

~silence~

Harry: So I've been having bad dreams, lately. I'm going to tell you about some of them. The first one was like this.

Harry: So I was just standing there when Snape walks up and is all like " Mr. Potter. You have been failing Potions Class. blah blah blah. And then he expelled me!

Harry: The second one was like this:

Harry: So I was there, dancing, when all of a sudden Voldemort shows up and starts upstaging me. He was using moves I've never even seen before! And all the girls(Hermione and Ron) were like 'woah! He's so cool!'

Harry: Another was like this:

Harry: I had this dream where I was pregnant. And I gave birth to Ron. I had to care for him and help him grow. But then I misplaced him! I was quite upset as you could imagine.

Harry: And the worst one...

Harry: Dumbledore kept telling me that I was not really Harry Potter. And I was like, "Of course I'm Harry Potter, Dumbledore." But he just kept saying, "No. You are not Harry Potter. You are a patient at a mental institute. You have created something that is not real."

Harry: Ugh. Freaky, right? Anyways, if you've had any nightmares that you'd like to share then like and subscribe!

Hermione: Okay, Harry. We will do those things you just told us to.

Ron: Subscribe to what?

Hermione: Shhh.

~silence~

Cedric: I'll subscribe, Harry!

Harry: Wow, Cedric. How could you do this to me? Bringing me down to end with you? That's just low.

Cedric: I'm so sorry, Harry.

Harry: You should be. Now I'm leaving before anyone sees me.


	15. Chapter 15

Ron: Did you enjoy it, Harry?

Harry: Yes I suppose... But you had to copy the puppet pals

Ginny: He's right brother

Hermione: C'mon guys lets be glad he emails

Harry: I um have to do housework so bye

Cedric: I can so your work

Ginny: No Cedric that's fine

Cedric: Right. No one ever hires a dead person. *smacks head* So bye then Harry


	16. Chapter 16

Harry: Hello! I'm Harry Potter! What a beautiful day here at the Hogwarts school of mystery magical tours!

Ron: Everyday is beautiful with you here, Harry! But...

Harry: But what Ron?! What could be wrong?!

Ron: I've got a secret affliction, Harry.

Harry: Disgusting!

Ron: You don't even know what it is yet, Harry! It's lice. Wizard lice.

Dumbledore: Did somebody say lice?

Ron: I said lice! How did he know?

Dumbledore: Harry, you must help your friend. Another infestation is the next thing we need. Since lice are magical creatures, you must go to Hagrid. The terrible half giant. He'll know what to do!

Harry: Fine.

Ron: Yaaaaaay! (Shakes his head!)

Harry: Don't do that! Okay, let's go.

~At Hagrids~

Ron: What is that, Harry?

Harry: It looks like a big hairy matress.

Ron: May I jump on it?

Harry: Do as you wish you diseased child. No! Wait! Look! It's moving!

Hagrid: *gets up*

Harry: Hagrid! We've come for your folksy advice! Ron has wizard lice!

Hagrid: I'll help after I take a small nap...

Harry: You already took a nap.

Hagrid: All right, all right.

Hagrid: *sings* If you wanna get rid of that wizard lice, you gotta listen to Hagrid's good advice. Rub meat in your hair till the smell gets in the air. Let it sit for an hour. They might die from the stink power. Then rub some mayonnaise into your scalp. Wipe it off with an old pair o boots. Turn around, touch the ground once, clap your hands twice. Now you don't got any... Lice.

Ron: I liked the song, Hagrid. But I can't afford any mayonnaise.

Hagrid: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Harry: Can't we just light his hair on fire, or something?

Hagrid: There is another way. But you ain't gonna like it.

~slight time skip~

Ron: *hangs up side down*

Hagrid: *hits Ron with stick twice*

Ron: Ooh! Ooh! Thank you Hagrid! I feel a 100% better now.

Harry: *thinks* With Hagrid's mighty powers, I can conquer anything!

Harry: Hagrid! Your skills are needed elsewhere! Come with me, and bring your muscles!

Hagrid: I don't know Harry. You go do it yourself.

Harry: I'll leave a small pile of fish at your door step everyday for a month.

Hagrid: You got yourself a deal, Harry Potter 

Hermione: Hello Harry! Hello Hagrid!

Harry: Hello female Ron! Hit!

Hagrid: *hits Hermione*

Snape: Did you finished your potions homework?

Harry: No! Now!

Hagrid: *hits Snape*

Harry: He's still got some lice! Hit him again!

Snape: Aaaaaah!

Voldemort: Harry Potter. I've been waiting for you. Avada Ke-

Harry: No time to chat Voldemort!

Voldemort: da-

Voldemort: Every time I try to kill Harry...

Dumbledore: Harry! Did you cure Ron of his wizard lice?

Harry: You bet I did! Now!

Hagrid: *hits Dumbledore with stick*

Dumbledore: Trying to take a whack at the old headmaster, are you?

Harry: Oh my God! He's an android!

Dumbledore: That's right. I am an android. A gay android.


End file.
